To the single moms dating...
I've always debated writing a blog post about my personal dating/love life for two reasons. 1. Being vulnerable, public, and open is always hard 2. Fear of my children, family, and/or the guy I'm talking about reading this. When guys ask me what I do on the first date, I say blogger and a common response I get is, “are you going to blog about me?” I laugh and say, “no”...well, I take that back 😜. Also close people are the ones that judge or give me advice about my instagram, blog, or snapchat more than anyone. It can be hurtful, so I've always been nervous to be so open. A friend recently told me, "I'm glad you're over your selfie phase, I was tired of seeing you post picture after picture of yourself" uh. thanks? It's what happens when you become single, you post selfies 😜 I need attention, I’m a blogger (hah sarcasm...kinda). I shouldn't care...sooooo...here we go...I'm writing a blog about single mom and dating. I've received so many positive messages on Instagram about how my blog has inspired someone and that means so much to me. My kids won't read this for awhile, and to the guys I'm talking about, if you read this...thank you, next.
Let's backtrack and talk about my biggest longest relationship. My marriage. I was with my ex for 11 year. I've always promised myself that I wouldn't blog about why we got a divorce out of respect for him and our kids, but I will say divorce was the hardest thing in my life. I felt so unwanted, rejected, ugly, broken, and was depressed. I moved to Austin to be closer to family. After the divorce was finalized, I started to date. I have mix feelings about dating. Love/hate relationship. At first it was hard. I got with my ex so young, I didn't really know myself and was not use to being alone (11 years living with someone!!). I wanted to jump into another serious relationship, because that's all I knew. Luckily, it was never mutual and fast forward to today...three years later, I'm finally ready to date and find my Prince charming...just took me three years to realize that.
So how is being a mom and dating hard? You probably already know, but I'll share some advice and stories. Let's get to the juicy part of this blog post so you can see how hard it is...
First, I tell my best friends everything. They get confused on who is who so I started to give guys nicknames. I'll be using their nickname for identity reasons. Oh geez, if they read this...they'll find out their nickname. I really hope they don't read this. Oh and speaking of friends. Surround yourself with positive friends. Friends who you can vent and love you. Luckily it's rare, but I've had toxic friends. I've lost friends these past three years, but I have such amazing group of friends that will support and love me for me.
To the first guy I went on a date with after my divorce. My divorce was finalized on Wednesday and I went on a date on Friday. Talk about moving fast. Not really though, divorce took forever. So this first date guy is not really significant (hah sounds rude, but I mean for this blog post). I feel like I have to talk about him because he was my first date. I went on a total of three dates with him. Second date he said he thinks hes falling in love with me. True story. On the third date, I called him to meet up so I can break up with him. I did this whole official break up thing because I didn't know how to date. He laughed and was like no worries, next time just text me you're not interested. My bad, I thought I had to meet up and talk in person, I was a little old school and didn't know how to date. Looking back, how embarrassing. Oh modern dating. Speaking of modern dating, my advice is to make it fun and not take things to heart at the beginning. Yes, I've been ghosted. Yes, I've gone on a first date and had a blast, but the guy didn't like me or the opposite, and I didn't like the guy. Never mutual. Know your boundaries. Oh and note that I've been single for three years. So when I say, I dated him, that means go on a date with him or a few dates.
Timing and intention.
Are you ready to date? Are you over the hurt and pain from the past? What are your intentions to date? Are you getting pressure from the world to date? Are you just dating because you're lonely and trying to fill a void? Think and reflect. I've been dating for a few years, but the last few months I deleted dating apps, saw a counselor and reflected on these questions. Have a season of singleness. Take time and be single. Pick up hobbies. I got into rock climbing. I love working out. Spend time with friends.
So let's talk about them Irish boys...if you follow me on Snapchat or Instagram stories (@kristiqle), you'll know I have a bunch of Irish guy friends. Funny story how I met them. So...to the first Irish, nicknamed "Irish"...I know, so creative. We matched on two dating apps. He was actually my first match ever. We hung out a few times but just didn't feel a connection other than good friends. So we ended up being friends! I met my best friend through Irish, named Spicy (nickname that I didn't give, it's his actually nickname from college) and that’s when I met “hot Irish." Again, I'm so creative ;). Hot Irish I liked a lot, but being a single mom is hard. I hardly have free time. I have every other weekend free. So date a guy and be like, see you in two weeks? or how about the first, third, or fifth weekend? I also hated asking my parents to babysit, they do so much already. They pick up my kids after school and watch them when they are off from school. I could pay for a babysitter, but there has been so many times I schedule a date and then he cancels last minute. That's the worst. Anyways, back to hot Irish, long story short, timing was off, we were both very busy and at that point in my life, I didn't know what I wanted. What were my intentions? I had no clue. I got married young and pregnant at 21, and first year being single I went out a lot and was having fun. We ended on good terms and still see each other in group settings. I'm still awkward around him, but he's a great guy and I wish him the best.
I started a journal years ago and would write letters to God. A while ago, I made a list of what I want in a partner. It's funny to look back on.
Make a list of what you want in a partner. Highlight the characteristics they MUST have or you won't date them. For example, my good friend wants kids in the future. She dated a guy for a year and found out later he doesn't ever want kids. That’s rough. It's a must have for her. My top two on my list is 1. Godly man 2. Must love kids, not only his own but others...and my list continues. My top four on my list are must haves. I've reflected on this list, and a lot of the guys I dated didn't have one of the top four or even all four, yet I'd continue to date them. Stick to your list. Why did I date these guys? There is different reasons, maybe he'll change? I want to be in a relationship? I got to know him and like him a lot? I don't know, but I do know...don't settle. There IS someone that matches your list. My first date with a Godly man was "Douche Bag." I was debating on making up a different nickname for this blog post, but decided to be honest and real. I'm sorry about that nickname, he's actually an amazing guy and not a douche bag at all. He did open up and say people think hes a douche bag for his looks, hence the nickname. Our date we talked about Jesus most of the time and our struggles of going out a lot, being single, sinning, but trying to be a Godly person. It was so nice to connect spiritually with someone. It reminded me to stick to my top four and what's important to me in a partner. It's also a huge turn on if they are into Jesus. haha
Don't let them boys hurt you.
I've cried many times over boys. It's dumb. Not worth your tears. Don't let them get to you. I'm a hypocrite. It's easier said than done, but looking back on guys I've cried about...sooooo dumb. Don't compare yourself either. I'm a young single mom. A lot of the guys I date don't have kids, and date women that don't have kids. I have to plan my dates. I can't always be spontaneous and just go to dinner or happy hour after work. I've been called shallow for not making time or texting the guy as much. Also, talk about pregnancy and what it's done to my body. I love working out, but I think I have a mom bod. I have extra skin, stretch marks, etc. I'm so self conscious about my body it's sad the negative thoughts that go on in my head. I need to be proud of my body because it produced two sweet kids. Love yourself. Be confident. God doesn't make mistakes. He made you perfect.
To the boy that I didn't cry over (Thank God!), but it did hurt when you said "I don't know any guy that would give you a chance because you have kids...that's baggage" my kids aren't baggage. They are my everything. I went on a date with, "Bald Eagle" and things escalated quick. I only knew him for seven days. We hung out for seven days straight then he ghosted me. He apologized for ghosting me, and wanted me to give him a second change. We set up a second chance date, but he lied (long story) and cancelled. He apologized again and talked about how he sees a future with me and wants to get married in less than a year. I'm in no rush at all to get married and luckily, I'm at the point in my life where I'm okay with being single, and just taking my time looking for the right person. Of course it hurt when he said no guy would give me a chance because I have kids. I often wonder if that's why guys don't date me, but honestly, if it is, I don't want to date them. Don't let them hurt you. I keep my mom life and dating life so separate, until this next guy...ugh. heartbreak.
(random guy I went on two dates with; he was upset I didn't text him as much)
There will be heartache again. It sucks. Old feelings of unwanted, rejection, and sadness come back. It's a horrible feeling. Stay strong. It's tough in the moment, but you'll look back and wonder why you were so sad over that one guy. It's funny reading old journal entries and thinking, what?!? Why did I even write about that guy! Let alone pray for him...kidding, always good to pray for people. Anyways, It's okay to cry and let it out. Hah, I've done that way too many. I've cried to this guys face, I've even taken off of work because I cried all day when I tried to stop all communication and end our relationship.
So to the guy that got the farthest...he has no nickname. All my friends know him by his name, a lot of friends have met him and know I was head over heels for him...oh and he's met my kids. Maybe I'll write another blog post about that because meeting your kids is a huge deal, but that is another topic in itself. I believe God places people in your life for a reason. There are many reasons why God placed him in my life, but one is to get back closer to God and two, to know I'm ready to date and there are good guys out there that will treat me well, with respect, and I can trust/love again. I know my intentions of dating now and ready to be in a relationship when I find the right person. I deleted dating apps when I started hanging out with this guy. We’d text all the time, every day. I don’t think I’ve ever texted anyone more than I’ve texted him. Literally, text about anything and everything. I was so open and comfortable with him. Happened for months. You know that list I was talking about? He for sure has most of the qualities on that list - definitely the top four must haves. If you had to define the relationship, this guy would say we never dated. We are just best friends. Talk about a stab to the heart. I’d never admit this to him, but I saw a future with him. It’s not mutual though, and I learned so much from this. My friend recently said that this guy brought out good in me and opened me up to my feelings and broke down walls I had from pain in the past. You should look for someone that brings out the best in you and challenges you to grow. Although it didn't work out, I now know I can trust and love someone again. It helped to delete dating apps, pray, and really have a season of singleness. Get to know yourself. Self reflect. Heal from the past. Be single. Don’t settle for less than what you and your kids deserve. Love yourself. Set boundaries for the future and keep them. I like being single. I have my moments of wanting a partner to share my life with but I’m in no rush. Take your time and find your Prince Charming. I saw a meme that said, there's plenty of fish in the sea, but you know what else there is a lot of? Trash. There is a lot of trash. There is someone for you. Someone that will choose you every day. Someone that will love you and your children. God had a plan for you...you just need to trust him and his timing.
No nickname. Just his real name.
Me and my everything...
Kristi Q Le
Hi! I'm Kristi. I'm starting a new chapter...more like book...of my life. I'm a mama of 2. Going to take adventures and try new things! YOLO, but in a Godly way!